dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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