if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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