also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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