What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
