I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
