Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
