i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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