I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he puts the penis in happiness.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So many bounce houses so little time
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
