I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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