I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
