Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
me + whiskey = a bad person
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
