Apparently you make a good broom.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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