Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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