This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
