Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
