why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
