haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
