I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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