mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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