I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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