So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
