Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
