This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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