I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
