im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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