She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think a kid would responsible me up
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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