John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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