You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize