Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
