The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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