if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
