Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
