Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
