I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
