Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
