chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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