She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
