Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
tell your sister to shave her snatch
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
