There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
