is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Randomize