i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think I just sharted jello shots
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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