You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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