all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
