he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
