Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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