i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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