Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize