Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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