why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
