$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
