At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
