I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
