I puked a lego.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
