i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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