She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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