I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize