Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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