So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
