Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
