Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
