Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I party with great urgency now.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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